Hand on my Head and a Hole in my Heart
by Mc Parrot
Summary: An illness reminds Ianto of a time when Tosh comforted him


Hand on Your Head and a Hole in Your Heart.

This is my part of the collaborative fic by The Innuendo Squad. Harrie's posted hers (and I'm rather proud of that too but this is mine alone). The whole project was glorious fun. We should have the whole thing up in a few days when everyone who needs to has okayed it.

Summary: An illness reminds Ianto of a time when Tosh comforted him.

Usual disclaimer: No actors were harmed in the making of this fic and they'll all be sent back where they belong at the end of the day.

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Ianto woke with a groan and a jerk before flinging himself sideways to grab the bucket that was beside the bed. Head in the bucket retching, he nearly died of fright as he felt a hand on his shoulder before realising that it had to be Jack. He hadn't even known he was there. 'Good sound effects,' Jack said cheerfully. 'They don't call it ralphing for nothing do they?'

Ianto heaved helplessly and made a mental note to kill him when he was able.

The spasms finally eased and the water bottle from the bedside cabinet was passed to him. He accepted it gratefully, rinsed his mouth and spat before allowing a small trickle to pass down his throat. With a sigh he heaved himself back on to the bed. All the muscles in his abdomen and chest screamed at the effort. Serious vomiting was a fantastic abs workout.

'All right?' Jack asked from where he was sitting tucked up on the other side of the bed.

Ianto lay on his back and looked up at him. 'Of course not,' he said crossly. 'How long have you been here?'

Jack bent down and kissed his clammy forehead. 'I put the hub to bed and got here about midnight.'

'What time is it now?' Ianto asked wearily.

'3.37.'

'Oh good. So I haven't been sick for at least three and a half hours. I must be getting better.'

Jack's hand stroked his head. Ianto melted into the touch then jerked as something triggered an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu. There was something like this that had happened before. Feeling sick, a hand on his head, being touched. He closed his eyes, trying to track down the memory. There'd been pain. Pain in his belly. He gasped. 'Tosh!'

'What?' Jack's hand stilled. 'Did you just call out for Tosh?'

'Um.' Ianto's heart was beating frantically, the sudden pang of loss nearly overwhelming. 'I just remembered something.' His eyes filled with sudden tears.

Jack slid down the bed and collected him in his arms. 'It's all right,' he soothed placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. 'Tell me about it.'

It was a measure of how unwell Ianto was that he did. He told it straight, without sugar coating or trying to spare Jack's feelings. Because not everything was about Jack. This was about Tosh. He remembered her and he missed her so much.

'After the trip with the cannibals,' Ianto started, then stopped, fighting down the nausea that those thoughts always brought on and he really couldn't cope with right now. Jack's hand rubbed gently up and down his spine and he burrowed in against his strong body. 'After that,' he croaked, 'things were pretty bad.' He swallowed. 'I was pretty bad.' Jack's hand stilled, but then continued its movement up and down his back, his hand large and warm.

Ianto had been a complete mess. Nightmares were stopping him from sleeping, his self worth was as low as it could go and eating physically caused him pain. Tosh had made a point of being friendly, checking up on him after their time together as captives, but even she hadn't realised how much he was hiding behind his bland butler persona. Not until she got that awful alien pendant.

Ianto shuddered at the memory. 'She was so upset you know. She thought we all thought badly of her, that we didn't appreciate her, or even like her. And Mary had just made her all confused. I went around there that night and we got drunk.' It hadn't been pretty. 'Rat arsed,' Ianto murmured into Jack's chest. 'So drunk and falling down. Both of us.' They'd ended up wrapped in a duvet on the carpet; wrapped in each other but far too drunk to co-ordinate anything much more than a clumsy grope, which their closeness seemed to suggest they ought to try. 'I hate that I did that,' Ianto moaned. 'Tosh deserved better than that from me.'

Jack kissed his hair. 'What happened?'

'It got messy.' They fell asleep tangled together on the floor but all the alcohol thoroughly disagreed with his delicate stomach. He woke up, his guts burning and terribly sick, barely managing to roll away from Tosh before being violently ill across her floor. Frighteningly the alcohol came back mixed with frank red blood. Lots and lots of blood!

'What?' Jack pulled his head back to look at him. 'Why didn't I know about this?'

'Because we never told you,' Ianto said wearily.

'How…? When? I don't remember.'

Ianto's eyes were sliding shut. 'Yes you do.'

'After the incident with Mary?'

'Mmm.'

'You took a week off. You had some family emergency.'

'I'm family and I had an emergency. And it was three weeks.'

'Three weeks?' Jack's voice was shrill. 'Are you sure?'

'Uh huh. I was in hospital for ten days.'

'Ianto,' Jack's voice was soft, admonishing. 'Ten days.' He sounded like he was going to cry. Then he sighed. 'Now I think about it Tosh was a bit off then, but I expected her to be off, after what had happened. I didn't connect her behaviour with you.' He clutched Ianto tight. 'God Ianto, I'm sorry. I didn't know.'

'I didn't want you to know. I was really confused by you then, had no idea what I felt about you or even if I could trust you.'

Jack's grip tightened convulsively. 'Was it a bleeding ulcer?'

'Yep.'

'What made you think of this now?' Jack sat up alarmed. 'There isn't blood in your vomit is there?'

'No.' Ianto pulled him back down. 'When I came out of hospital I stayed with Tosh. I used to wake up and find her sitting like you were before, her hand on my head.' Ianto felt his lip tremble. 'I think she was quite fond of me really.'

'She loved you.'

'I loved her.' A sob built and he gave in to it. 'I miss her so much.'

'I know.' Jack was crying too, holding him tight and rocking.

Nearly asleep Ianto went to roll over. He wanted to spoon back against Jack and be held but the motion set his stomach off again. With a growl he lurched for the bucket.

'Fuck,' he muttered later as he rinsed his mouth and blew his nose, 'this is awful.' He was snotty and teary. 'I hate this. That wasn't even half an hour since the last time.'

Jack stroked his hair and pulled him back in against him. 'You're all right. You'll be better by tomorrow, you'll see. Go back to sleep. See if you can make it through to morning. I'll be here.' He sighed and climbed out of bed and came around to collect the bucket. 'And where ever they are right now you just know that Owen will be telling you to keep up your fluids and Tosh will be watching you sleep with her hand on your head.'


End file.
